twentythree y.o. geographer, barista, yoga practitioner. University College London. born and bred in the lil' island of Singapore. constantly searching for answers. extremely flawed, especially when it comes to imposing standards on others, expecting too much, not knowing when to close her mouth (to shut the fuck up or to stop eating). too crazy for her own good and has to be taken with a massive handful of salt. adores backpacking, hitch-hiking, hill-walking, red wine, whiskey, cocktails, fine food and good conversations.
REMINDER:
"open your heart. someone will come. someone will come for you. but you'd have to open your heart first."
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| Wednesday, January 11, 2017
◔ 2:47 AM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Mothers will always be mothers? ❞ |
Really bothered about something that I feel like I have to write about it.
Told my mother I was cooking for a potluck today, and she asked me, whom with? Said "同学", which means classmate when directly translated, but I use it to refer to anyone that is about my age (like the mainlanders).
She then said, "may I ask who is it that you're meeting".
And I lied to her. Of course I lied to her.
I'm mildly pissed off but extremely concerned. I don't want this to be a recurring problem, and I do not want to keep lying to my mother.
--
Told one of the guys I was talking to about it, and he said that I can just show my mother his Instagram Profile, since "it's public anyway".
Woah, dude. Please don't fucking push it man. Firstly, we are not at that level yet. And secondly, what makes you think that you're so great that I'd show my mother your profile? If I really could say whatever I wanted, I'd tell him that
1. I'm in a family of overachievers
2. I need to like you enough enough enough to even bother to defend you in front of my family
And guess what? We are not there yet. And you know what as well? I'm really starting to find you pretty fucking irritating.Labels: daily, rants
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| Saturday, December 31, 2016
◔ 5:27 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ New Year, New Me. Hopefully. ❞ |
12/31
It's been an incredibly difficult year. Doesn't help that so much shit has gone down over the past two weeks that I don't even fucking remember all my struggles from earlier this year.
May next year be better. Please? Maybe at some point I'd get well enough to write a proper blog post, but until then I guess?
--
1/2
This year ended really badly. Full of unnecessary heartbreak, wasted emotions and all of that, which drained me of all of my positivity and energy; what is really getting me through is just telling myself to keep plodding on. Step by step. Breath by breath.
Haven't come to terms with all of it yet but maybe I will soon, and hopefully by then I will be able to write about it.
In the meantime, just getting by, one day at a time.
I can only tell myself that - this will matter less in 15 days than it does right now, and even less in 15 weeks, 15 months, 15 years...
And I just have to constantly remind myself that I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER.
I cried today. Big, fat tears rolling down my sorry face, especially when I was researching on books that I can read to help me get better. I will get better. Every little step I take in my life from now on will contribute to that. (Unrelated: how do Korean actors cry so prettily? I swear my face swells up whenever I cry)
Labels: random, rants, thoughts
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| Monday, December 12, 2016
◔ 12:02 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" ❞ |
My biggest downfall in every interview:
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years"
Traveling the world and teaching yoga, duh.
Of course I can't say that, can I?
Labels: random, rants
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| Sunday, May 08, 2016
◔ 3:27 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Hi Andrew ❞ |
Months ago: "I would have written about non-linear time if I had more time with this essay."
At which juncture, I was just bullshitting; trying to defend my random "performativity" argument in an assignment on "assemblages".
Five minutes ago, after some detailed reading of the topic: "I really could have written about non-linear time."Labels: random, rants
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| Tuesday, March 08, 2016
◔ 10:50 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Fking stupid. ❞ |
It's been so long since I felt so frustrated, and so tired at life.
I think the trigger was Oisin talking about his plans with mommy tomorrow, for him to treat his mom to a Mothers' Day Meal and for her to buy him a couple of shirts for his birthday.
And I mentioned that I've never actually gotten birthday presents, but I've always gotten money for my birthday (not much, but not complaining). And Oisin said that I should not feel bitter about not getting presents because I never ask for anything and I've stopped asking my parents for money since I was 16.
And it just feels so tiring and frustrating because my parents give my brother so much more money, while my dad asked me to live off the rest of my money for the next 4 months. And what really pissed me off was when my brother, with that horrible attitude of his, emailed all of us saying that he can't bring my luggage back because he's got two hands and he needs to bring his guitar back.
Sent a really snarky email back, reminding him of the fact that he's gone home more times in a single year than I have in my 3 years in London.
So fucking pissed off.Labels: daily, rants
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| Wednesday, July 15, 2015
◔ 8:24 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Missing opportunities. ❞ |
There was this pair of trousers that I really liked in Sweden, but I didn't buy it because I thought it was a bit pricey, and mainly also because it was dry clean only. I ended up with tons of SEK leftover.
I've been thinking of them once I got back, and even Oisin agreed that the cutting was awesome.
Just tried to purchase them online today, and I realized that they were sold out in my size on their webstore.
Life sucks when you don't seize opportunities.
Labels: daily, rants, thoughts
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| Monday, January 12, 2015
◔ 9:53 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Four days, and counting. ❞ |
I haven't stopped crying for four days.
But then it has gotten really clear who are the people I am truly comfortable with telling everything to, and there's this certain hierarchical order that I contact them. Not in order of importance; there's this certain mental priming before each person that I call.
It's been really hard without being able to contact Oisin too.
I really have no idea how I am going to end up after this torturous emotional journey. Somewhere, or nowhere.Labels: daily, random, rants, thoughts
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| Wednesday, April 16, 2014
◔ 6:20 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Living in misery city? ❞ |
Is Singapore a misery city? In response to this article. The idea of a misery city being a place of "mental distress and discomfort"? Yes it is.
Apart from the fact that my family and the most amazing friends in my life are there, it is very much a misery city, mentally speaking. Physically no because Singapore is undeniably a food haven with tons of sunshine and outdoor swimming pools ^^
---
The article had responses WRT the good / bad experiences that the readers have met with in Singapore. I personally, have had a terrible experience that spoke a lot about the mindset of Singaporeans.
This happened in late 2010. I had a terrible case of food poisoning after consuming an expired handroll (my mother only purchases expired food, and I have experienced two cases of food poisoning due to the expired sushi she buys), but still decided to head to Parkway Parade because I needed to pass my hamster (Tuffee at that time) to Perry to take care of because I was heading for a long holiday.
I have not vomited the entire day, but when a guy with fucking terrible body odor boarded, I started to retch. With a hand holding onto my hamster cage and the other holding onto my phone, I tried to exit the bus as soon as possible. However, I could not hold it in any longer and ended up vomiting on my phone.
The phone died, obviously.
And that was at Orchard Road, right outside Lucky Plaza.
I walked along Orchard Road, asking passersby to lend me their phones so that I could call Perry and Likai to save me.
Not a single person was willing to get close to me because of the vomit I had on my clothes. No one.
Finally, two ladies approached me asking if I was alright, and offered to lend me their phones. They were Filipino TOURISTS. And the fact that they were letting me make a phone call on a phone that's on roaming...
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It is so much happier being here, because every one is so exceptionally nice and friendly. One doesn't leave a store without having small talk with the cashier about the weather / whatever. My work at the cafe is made fun-er because of the conversations I have with my customers: ranging from how you can get Eduroam almost everywhere in Bloomsbury to a customer sharing an amazing taxi app (called Uber) with me.
Try doing this in Singapore?
It is very easy to identify Singaporeans where I work. They walk in with a black face, and order with an absolute lack of courtesy. Well in their defense, they may be grouchy because they haven't had their daily dosage of coffee, but still. Labels: daily, random, rants, Singapore, thoughts, United Kingdom
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| Tuesday, March 11, 2014
◔ 6:38 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Give Thanks, Always. ❞ |
Life is painfully unfair is it not? But then the good and bad thing is that it always goes on.
But I will always give thanks. Be thankful for what I have and also because comparison is the enemy of contentment :)
X
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.
Labels: daily, random, rants, thoughts
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| Monday, February 24, 2014
◔ 2:37 AM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Fuck you, douchebag. ❞ |
The douchebag wanted to order something and wanted to send it to my place - fine.
He sent me a screenshot to confirm the details and he put my name as "Fiona Zhou".
I replied: "Fuck you. My name is Fiona Chang"
Then he sent a screenshot of that back to me, as if to tell me that I sent him a wrong message / in the wrong conversation / whatevs.
I had to explicitly say to him: "First Name: Fiona. Last Name: Chang."
--
Honestly I swear, I ignore him because I really don't want to talk to him and he keeps asking me why I am so quiet.
Like is he that full of himself that he doesn't realize that it is because I don't want to talk to him?Labels: daily, fandom, rants
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| Monday, January 20, 2014
◔ 12:07 AM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Internal TOK burning inside of me. ❞ |
Back here again because I have been doing a lot of reflecting these few days. And I have been reflecting more since my Skype conversation with the best friend :)
1. Am I more elitist than I think I am? Than I initially thought?
It is like sometimes when I am talking to KW I sort of, subconsciously, get irritated when he doesn't understand things that I say and I am like no this is so tiring for me I don't want to explain everything.
When I was complaining about having a massive carb craving one morning and was talking about whether I should indulge in it and he said "DON'T! LATER YOU FALL SICK AGAIN!"
At first I was really confused? But then I later understood that he didn't understand why I was trying to avoid over-indulging in carbs.
Not the only case; just an example. I really shouldn't be irritated at such things, should I? I really should not expect everyone to understand all the stupid things that I do.
Am I unknowingly more elitist than I want to be? Or is it that I am too selfish for my own good and I only think about myself? Food for thought.
2. I just realized that I am really double standard. Does this have roots in my whole issue of selfishness?
When a guy tells me that I should wear a dress I retaliate by doing the whole "ok just because I am a girl doesn't mean that I have to wear a dress like what the fuck I can wear anything I fucking want so whatever screw you and your dresses"
(ok to be fair I actually do really like dresses but just that right now I am not feeling like them? At the moment I am feeling more like the whole shorts and jeans and trousers thing maybe I am having a massive bout of PMS I am not sure)
And I asked why is it that guys like girls in dresses.
And that person replied saying that it's the same way, how girls like guys in suits.
I was thinking at that point in time that it was true? How can I like the idea of guys in suits, but then think that the whole "guys-liking-girls-in-dresses" is an incredulous thing? It then struck me pretty badly that I am less the person that I wish and want to be, and even more flawed than I initially thought I was.
My only consolation, however, is probably the mere fact that I don't actually expect guys to wear suits cause it's painfully troublesome for them and impossible in Singapore.
But then expecting females to wear dresses is a different thing cause dresses are actually really convenient and usually quite comfortable?
I have no idea, I think this is starting to seem a lot like an internal TOK essay burning inside of me.
No I am not rethinking life but I guess I am starting to think more about my behavior and the repercussions of them.
/sorry for boring you
Let me end this with an amazing quote that my yoga teacher told us today:
"No effort is ever wasted"Labels: daily, quotes, random, rants, thoughts
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| Monday, November 11, 2013
◔ 7:59 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Perfectly beatiful day ruined by a barrista with no brains. ❞ |
Woke up today, bright and early. Hate Mondays and usually do not look forward to tutorials, but I made myself dress up.
Wore my favorite shirts and a skirt and put on earrings for like the first time in three weeks (!!!). Even put on mascara.
Felt brilliant. Felt like the day was going to be great. The power of dressing up :)
Went to school and everyone commented on how happy I was HAHAHA.
And guess what, got my first graded tutorial essay back. Did not expect much out of it cause it definitely was not the best that I have written, but:
Ok honestly it just made me feel so stressed because now I know that I have expectations to live up to. And I am sure that my tutor was just being too lenient in her marking. There were two 80+%s, the mode was 70+%, and the lowest was 46%.
While we are at this, a huge shoutout to the best proof reader on earth - you know who you are ꒰ღ˘‿˘ற꒱❤⃛
Well guess what. My day had to be R U I N E D by a barrista with no brains. I bought coffee (been drinking so much these few days omg) and I asked them to put one cup into my thermos. The barrista did not return me the inner cap of my thermos. And so when I opened it, I SPILLED COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF. (And then later I realized that it was all over my bag and laptop case and ergo, my beautiful essay that I wanted to 'preserve' was stained with coffee. Fuck you.)
I went back to Starbucks and demanded for my cap. They initially said that they could not find it, and they only started searching thoroughly when I demanded to see the manager. And then they found my cap. Bitches.
Beautiful day, ruined by a fucking barrista.
---------------------------------------------------
Anyways, had the most fulling lunch in London. Guess who cooked for me hehe. Was really touched cause I was just kidding (and I thought he was just kidding when he agreed to), and I got to taste his virgin cooking attempt.
Was so full that I could barely walk but hey I just let myself eat all I wanted because YOLO.
 Labels: college, daily, food, friends, rants
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| Thursday, October 03, 2013
◔ 9:23 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ ❞ |
Sitting at my room now waiting for my flat mate to give me the green light for us to go to Freshers' Ball, the last Freshers' Event of the year.
Does not help that I am feeling really uncomfortable and unwell and if anyone really is interested drop me a text and I'd tell you what is wrong with me. Could barely survive my last lecture today. Japanese lesson was really interesting, but school... Not so much.
These few days have been hectic and involved me doing stupid things day in and out. Too stupid to reveal online too haha. Well I guess Freshers' Week gives you the green light to let lose and do everything and anything you want. Just for one week. To give in to temptations, to your emotions rather than your rational mind.
I really do hope I feel better soon and that I will be alright. I hate how NHS is so inefficient; I really really want to go and see a doctor / GP / hospital and I'd definitely do it if I do not get well by this weekend cause I am really, really concerned. Sucks to have to deal with this alone too, in a foreign land.
Sorry for the lack of updates, I promise to do a better post next time. Just feeling really terrible right now :( Labels: college, daily, rants
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| Saturday, September 14, 2013
◔ 6:31 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Last night in Singapore ❞ |
So. It somehow just occurred to me that tonight is my last night in Singapore. I am still sitting around in bed feeling fat. Somehow it hasn't struck me that I am leaving for a really long time tomorrow.
I do not know how things will change over the next three years, but I do sincerely hope that if anything, they would change for the better.
My last night in my wonderful room on my comfy bed whatever it is that I sleep on.
I will not be able to see my family members and friends for so fucking long (ok three months is not that bad).
I do sincerely hope that I will not miss home that much :( well if I do... There'd be no one I can talk to, thanks to the time difference.
I am afraid that I would go back to my terrible eating habits - just because I probably won't have the time and effort to cook.
I wonder how I can keep up with my exercise regime when I am gone.
I wonder what would change while I am gone. Will something irreversibly bad happen and will I regret it, I don't know, ten years down the road?
Sigh so many thoughts in my head right now, and I am just sitting there and nuaing when I know that I should jolly fucking well be packing my fucking table.
I don't know, I don't know anymore. Labels: random, rants, thoughts
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| Friday, April 20, 2012
◔ 4:18 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Sinking. ❞ |
I don't even fucking go out anymore. Not at all. I come home everyday to study, do my work, study German.
And you rage at me cause why? Cause I'm staying up to do my work on the computer and you can't sleep.
Cause I need you to send me for band, for beach cleaning.
And when I ask for the computer to be moved to my room you start scolding me irresponsible.
Well. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm doing my best to stay afloat I'm this fucking close to breaking down and dying I'm so fucking burnt out from IB life but I'm struggling. Thanks to your fucking decisions for not letting me take CLB.
IDGI. IDE.
It's my fault that I'm struggling you're blaming it on my beach cleaning, my SMSing, my Tweeting, my etc.
I'm so tired I just wanna die but I'm hanging in there cause I know all I need to do is to survive till May 8th and one fucking IB paper is over.
And you don't even give me your support. At all.
Fuck you.
Seriously, fuck you.
Why was I even born. You should have fucking aborted me.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
Powered by Gee! from StarHubLabels: random, rants
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| Saturday, March 17, 2012
◔ 4:43 AM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Bad and Awkward. ❞ |
I have never felt this alone in school my whole life.
To start with, I am not even close to my class. So there's only band for me.
And I feel as though I am losing friends like the speed of wind or something. Maybe it's just cause I am a really bad and awkward friend.
Labels: daily, random, rants
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| Monday, October 24, 2011
◔ 2:14 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Results :( ❞ |
HI.
I decided to come here just cause I have no where else to rant to, so bear with me.
I don't know but... My results were pretty FMLish. Although I guess I have no right to complain? Seeing that I have friends who have trouble even promoting (Letian + Varun all the best guys, you will be fine!) and like... Jovi who scored a point higher than me at MYEs got the same score as me this time.
Albeit the fact most people jumped up to 10 points...
And I plummeted into this abyss of darkness. It feels like shit to be the only people "deproving" when everyone else improved.
It feels worse, when people improved and scored super high for EOYs and it's freaking 70%. And it pulls their MYEs up.
While for me it's the opposite.
MYEs please save my fucking ass. I pray that your 30% will go far.
It feels worse, though, cause... The more you expect the harder you fall? I was so bent on doing well, and when I did not my world fell apart.
I guess I shouldn't find excuses for myself, but at the end of the day I still cannot figure out what fucking went wrong, basically everything that went wrong just went wrong, all that could have happened happened.
And to make things even shittier... Well most of my scores were 1 mark away from the next grade. The grade boundary is 70, I get 69 and what not, etc etc. Sucks balls.
Sorry to all Christians out there, but I fucking hate ACS for imposing Christianity on us, on me, who has lost faith in faith. Apparently if I did write about God being the "ultimate creator" the "ultimate scientist" who created the world from nothing or what the fuck (i.e. the Book of Genesis), I'd have gotten 20/25. Thank goodness I did not fail, cause if Christianity and God caused me to fail English, I'd have raged a whole fucking lot more.
It's quite sad though, I failed in all my targets and expectations and what not. So much for lunar birthday luck huh.
Did a bit of retail therapy to cheer me up though, busted shit loads of money on this when I still have $100+ worth of phone bills to pay.
And to think that that humongous sum was due to someone......
In other news, a gigantic THANK YOU to everyone who cared and gave me words of concern and hugs and etc. Love you all. Labels: daily, rants, school
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| Tuesday, June 21, 2011
◔ 3:50 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ Shoes, where the fuck are you. ❞ |
Shoes. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.Labels: rants
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| Thursday, March 24, 2011
◔ 1:03 PM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ I HATE GUYS. ❞ |
I HATE GUYS. PERIOD.
I will do a proper blog post next time. Promise.Labels: random, rants
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| Saturday, October 16, 2010
◔ 3:21 AM // ✎ 0 comment(s) | ❝ School Related Rants ❞ |
I guess I just can't live without the internet, can I?
Life without the iPod has been a fucking pain.
And the bitch is staying for two more years cause my Daddy doesn't want her to go. Shit.
Life sucks balls, but then again I have no fucking life so does it even matter?
What sucks most is that I fucking screwed up my Prelims 2. Have never gotten such fucked up results in my 4 years in Nan Hua.
Look at me now, going online zzz. Fucking hate myself.
I need to do well for O's. Fucking well to prove myself. Fucked up.
Motivation for O's:
- BBQ Party at CY's + Sleepover?
- The Internet (Y)
- Sleep, Sleep and more Sleep!
- Harry Potter Movie Outing with 4WES0M3 and Ms Goh :D
TAG REPLIES!
HILARY! I MISS YOU A LOT A LOT HAHAHA. And yeah lah shuang now you all can slack le right T.T JEALOUS.
LIHUI! HAHA WELCOME AND LOVE YOU A LOT A LOT A LOT TOO :D wheee~ and YEAH DAMN COOL RIGHT :D and and and ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR O's and I will give you the source if I can find it again, but DON'T PUKE.
PUIKAY! HAHA THAT'S GREAT AND I LOVE YOU TOOO! AND ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR O's MY DEAREST! HARRRY POTTTTEEERRRR (Y)Labels: rants, school
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